Secret Rendezvous

I have a confession to make. For some months now, and I don’t know how it happened, I have been having fairly regular communiqués with the head of a Human Resources department at a major university. This person is a friend of my family who made the unfortunate mistake of making grand overtures about her ability to get me a job, while in the presence of my mother. Really, this sordid HR predicament was thrust upon me! I wasn’t looking for this kind of thing! I never thought I was the kind of person who would have respect for someone working in human resources. Even now, the thought makes me feel kind of dirty.

I must admit though, in the beginning, that the more I thought about landing the kind of job that does not evoke (at least in my mind) eight hours in the dunking chair, the more I wanted to think about such an outlandish and provocative situation. To think, me, in a situation where I did not have to open doors for people, or get vomited on, or have to plug my nose because it smells like the living dead! This is truly the stuff of fantasies and it is ultimately what drew me into the loving application pool of jobs that I am so not qualified for.

For months I have been working with my HR ally, combing through job posts, looking for loopholes to exploit or hiring managers to take advantage of, and for so long there was nothing. Then all of a sudden (and mysteriously after a phone conversation with my mother inquiring about why I did not yet have a new job) an interview was set up, or more clearly “a few” interviews “would be” set up. Never one to get my hopes up I settled for the one interview that was thrown my way. In true cronyism fashion, the interview was set up for me, then I was told what the job was, then I was told to actually apply for it. At the very least, I now understand how it is exactly that HR operates: interview then application. I have had it all wrong for so long.

After one major snag (just an HR underling setting up the interview with the wrong person and on the wrong day) things were poised to improve exponentially for me. Then I got a cold. No big deal though, what’s a touch of fever delirium during an interview? If anything it made me more charming or at least, more quirky…which always translates into more fun. Right? Right?!

I doubt very much that I would go on a first date while suffering from the fever delirium, so I don’t know what I opted to conduct an interview in such a state. Thankfully (and like most dates I have been on) this job was summarily rejected before the interview began. The reason? The receptionist was positioned in the middle of a hallway outside of the office and there was a student sleeping on a couch next to her. If I wanted to deal with that kind bullshit I would become a desk in a hospital. I did not even need to hear the functions of the job, to know that this was not going to be for me. This kind of position works out best for me because it allows me to maintain the veneer of control when really, I was never actually going to get the job anyway. It’s win win really.

On thing is certain though, I have learned that I cannot leave my current job in favor of a hot new job just because it is something different. After a while I am sure that I would have been longing for the insults, and the vomit, and the comparisons to office furniture that I have come to define my character as a disgruntled employee.