The End of February: Seeing as how all of my employment opportunities have been dashes, I must start anew, overhauling my resume and cover letter. This involves two major things, one is getting rid of the job I walked out of. I have already lost two or more jobs because I have tried to tell people I was laid off. My thinking is that it is best to just act like it never happened. The second major addition is admitting to being a dishwasher. Things are not so cut and dry with my resume though. While it would be easier to tell the truth about my work history, it is far more fun for me to tell lies. This means that rather than putting “dishwasher” as my job title I have listed my self as “kitchen staff”. I am sure that no one will see through the job description that I have listed and realize that I am in fact nothing more than I dish washer.
It is also during this time that I get a call from North Eastern University telling me they would like to check my references. Normally this would be no problem because I always make sure to put down people who will speak to my excellent character…or else. The problem with NEU is that they have a policy of requiring a reference from ones last or current employer. That’s right, the Great Satan strikes again. Needless to say I have no heard from them since.
Some Time in March: As if my resume was some kind of prediction of the future, I am offered the position of “lunch cook” in addition to “dishwasher” thus making my job my title of “kitchen staff” true. This means changes have to be made once again.
March 10-12: For three years now, during thee glorious days in March I have worked at the Boston Bicycle Show both as heavy lifter and bartender. This has always been a lucrative opportunity to make some much needed cash, and I actually really enjoy the work. Much to my dismay, this year was not as lucrative as years passed. In fact I made $600 less this year than I did last year. It is only fitting really because last year I did not need the money as much as I did this year.
The best part about the whole event was that it took place right across the street from the office I walked out of 3 months ago. It was delightful to spend three days being cautious about leaving the hall lest I be seen by the Great Satan or one of her many real estate demons. Thankfully there was only one minor incident that involved seeing and making eye contact with her servile and loyal assistant. I suspect, given that he despises her as well, that he said nothing of having noticed me.
Today March 15th: NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH!
As I am typing this I get a call from Senior Whole Health, the home of morbidly obese, racist teams of ice dancing office slaves…or something like that. In true this-is-all-you-are-good-for fashion, I am offered a second interview. It would figure. These people are idiots, so of course they would want to offer me a job, or a second interview or what even it is they are planning for me.
The funny thing about this is that the woman who called me told me, in a most exasperated tone, that she was recently appointed to take over the hiring process and needed to meet all of candidate(s). Of course they just reappointed someone to this position, they only interview me, I don’t know, nearly a month ago. It seems like the perfect time for someone else to take over. At least I am getting better at spotting the red flags of a bad employment situation, as if they were not flying high during my first interview. If only I had realized these tell tale signs earlier I might have never become a disgruntled unemployee in the first place.
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