Unemployment: Round 3

I am currently unemployed because I was a disgruntled employee. For two agonizing months I worked for Satan, or at least Satan as trapped in the body of an obsessive compulsive, middle aged fag hag. As if Satan could have taken on a more appropriate form. If you are unconvinced that this could truly be the essence of evil, she was also a real estate agent. I had no choice really in leaving my job one day never to return or be heard from again. Satan called me "Princess" on a regular basis. Clearly I had no choice in the matter.

This is not the first time I have just walked out of a job never to return, in fact this is the sixth or seventh time I have done it. Some might have the idea that I can't hold down a job or that I am irresponsible, or in some other way unemployable, but no, that it is not true at all. The problem is that I have a very low threshold for tolerating bullshit, and calling me Princess, in addition to the other Satanesque behavior I had to deal with on a daily basis, pushed me well beyond my bullshit comfort zone. Usually I am pushed to walk out of a job for far less than what Satan was dishing out, like being asked to clean the bathroom, or being told "It's not Double Mocha Latte Grande! It's Grande Double Mocha Latte!" There is actually not a lot that I will put up with, so Satan should have been lucky I actually came back from my lunch break on my first day.

What is done is done though, and I have done it many times. This is after all unemployment round three. I have over the last 5 years spent at least 18 months unemployed. There is just no place for an undereducated, highly intelligent, authority loathing person like myself in the working world. I learned this during unemployment round one, which is why my last 4 jobs were found at the crossroads where the undereducated, the disgruntled, and the often time sexually predatory all meet to find weird jobs and free things: craigslist.org. Where else can one become a 3-D photographer in the mall, an office slave in an underground cancer lab, a property manager for Satan, and a dish washer in a Japanese tea house owned by a gay Taiwanese man, all in less than 5 years? No where my friend, no where at all.

I suppose that is why I can't find a job now. My resume is a laughable mixture of jobs that no person could have possible held in their life time, let alone in rapid succession. One might even think that my resume is full of lies in all the wrong places (as opposed to right places which have more than their fair share of lies) but sadly this is not the case. Mine is the resume of an art school drop out or an ex-convict, two things I am not, or at least not yet. I should mention that I recently had an interview with an organization trying to help ex-convicts lead more productive lives. Had I actually applied for this job through craigslist I would have been hired on the spot as this is the perfect position to have rounded out my seriously fucked up resume.

For now that is that. I am a disgruntled unemployee. Look forward to me regaling you with tales of my unemployment woes which are sure to included: rants about the uselessness of "human resources", employees inability to read my cover letter, and my personal favorite, being asked how I received a degree in Classical Studies* in less than two years. That last one actually ties into the previous two because it states several times in my cover letter that I have studied Classics for two years and have not yet received a degree. I suppose if "HR" spent less time filing it's nails while complaining about it's cheating boyfriend on internet message boards, I would not be writing this blog from home, but rather from a cushy cubical.


*Another favorite question of mine during the interview process is "Oh Classical Studies, how interesting! What is that exactly?" And I am the one who needs a degree in order to ask the question "How might I direct your call?"