The Last Six Weeks: A Time Line (Part II)

The End of February: Seeing as how all of my employment opportunities have been dashes, I must start anew, overhauling my resume and cover letter. This involves two major things, one is getting rid of the job I walked out of. I have already lost two or more jobs because I have tried to tell people I was laid off. My thinking is that it is best to just act like it never happened. The second major addition is admitting to being a dishwasher. Things are not so cut and dry with my resume though. While it would be easier to tell the truth about my work history, it is far more fun for me to tell lies. This means that rather than putting “dishwasher” as my job title I have listed my self as “kitchen staff”. I am sure that no one will see through the job description that I have listed and realize that I am in fact nothing more than I dish washer.

It is also during this time that I get a call from North Eastern University telling me they would like to check my references. Normally this would be no problem because I always make sure to put down people who will speak to my excellent character…or else. The problem with NEU is that they have a policy of requiring a reference from ones last or current employer. That’s right, the Great Satan strikes again. Needless to say I have no heard from them since.

Some Time in March: As if my resume was some kind of prediction of the future, I am offered the position of “lunch cook” in addition to “dishwasher” thus making my job my title of “kitchen staff” true. This means changes have to be made once again.

March 10-12: For three years now, during thee glorious days in March I have worked at the Boston Bicycle Show both as heavy lifter and bartender. This has always been a lucrative opportunity to make some much needed cash, and I actually really enjoy the work. Much to my dismay, this year was not as lucrative as years passed. In fact I made $600 less this year than I did last year. It is only fitting really because last year I did not need the money as much as I did this year.

The best part about the whole event was that it took place right across the street from the office I walked out of 3 months ago. It was delightful to spend three days being cautious about leaving the hall lest I be seen by the Great Satan or one of her many real estate demons. Thankfully there was only one minor incident that involved seeing and making eye contact with her servile and loyal assistant. I suspect, given that he despises her as well, that he said nothing of having noticed me.

Today March 15^th: NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH!

As I am typing this I get a call from Senior Whole Health, the home of morbidly obese, racist teams of ice dancing office slaves…or something like that. In true this-is-all-you-are-good-for fashion, I am offered a second interview. It would figure. These people are idiots, so of course they would want to offer me a job, or a second interview or what even it is they are planning for me.

The funny thing about this is that the woman who called me told me, in a most exasperated tone, that she was recently appointed to take over the hiring process and needed to meet all of candidate(s). Of course they just reappointed someone to this position, they only interview me, I don’t know, nearly a month ago. It seems like the perfect time for someone else to take over. At least I am getting better at spotting the red flags of a bad employment situation, as if they were not flying high during my first interview. If only I had realized these tell tale signs earlier I might have never become a disgruntled unemployee in the first place.

The Last Six Weeks: A Time Line (Part I)

Alright so I am not going to post detailed account of all the disgruntled goings on of the last 6 or so weeks. What I am going to do however is offer and estimated time line of events for those weeks so we can all get back to the disgruntled unemployee antics we have come to know and love.

Please remember all dates are approximations and or just made up:

February 3^rd: After coming to believe that “having a good voice” alone would land me a job that I later discovered topped out at a salary of $20,000, I took a week off in order to do things like nearly have a nervous breakdown, and cry for 8 hours straight.

February 10^th: Realizing that having a nervous breakdown does not look good on my resume I lift myself up and buckle down on the job search. The highlight of searching was applying for an office manager job at New England Baptist Hospital. Much to my surprise, his honor himself, the head of human resources calls me the very same day to ask me if I would be interested in an even better job doing also most exactly what I used to do at the creep lab I used to work for. To make the deal even sweeter I am told that I should be expected to have an audience with his honor the very next day at noon.

The Next Day at Noon: After meeting my Sherpa at the bottom of the hill that I was to ascend in order to make it to NEBH, I began to wonder how people with orthopedic injuries (the hospital specialty) managed to actually get to the hospital if they did not drive.

The Next Day at Noon…Once Inside the Inner Sanctum: Sitting in the ante-chamber of Mr. HR’s office was filled with the usual delights; a bunch of pamphlets telling me how great it will be to work for these people, and a crack head trying to fill out an on-line application while talking to himself about how he is going to kill his girlfriend when he gets home. I didn’t even see this kind of thing while waiting for an interview with a non-profit that let ex-cons run around their office.

After the standard 45 minutes of waiting for HR I was brought in to discuss, well not so much discuss, as be informed of, the policies of a hospital of the kind of caliber that NEBH is. This included to very creepy things. One was what is called the “Rose Endowment”. The Rose Endowment assures that every patient admitted to the hospital receives on red rose. Certainly the rose endowment is a nice gesture, but one that also steeps of wasteful spending. The second creepy thing is the “Dress to Impress” policy. This states that peons like myself would have to dress as if I were attending a semi-formal affair each and every workday. That kind of thing is fine with me, but if I were to say be in a position like the head of HR I would have to wear a three piece suit. I personally was impressed that someone who could rise to the ranks as head of HR could dress himself at all, even in a one piece sack of some kind.

Proceeding the waste of time that was the HR interview, I was brought to meet the people I would be working with if the great Baptist God in Heaven were to let me work at one of His fine hospitals. This was perhaps the best interview of my life. Since I really cannot put a snide or sassy spin on it because it was just so good, I will just leave it at that.

I certainly left the hospital, and descended down the crag (Sherpaless this time) feeling elated. I felt that I had certainly aced this interview. There was one thing I did not mention about the above HR interview though, because I thought it so insignificant and so trite that it could not possibly have any bearing on my getting a job at this blessed institution; Mr. HR knew the Great Satan whose office turned me into the Disgruntled Unemployee.

February 12^th-17^th: Think that I so have the NEBH job I spend the week seeking closure at other places I have employed. I send out some e-mails, that are not really so nice, saying, more or less, “Why the fuck have I not heard from you.” Some how this still results in my not hearing from anyone.

February 18^th: On my way to work I decide to check the mail, this is generally very common. Inside the mail box I find a letter from NEBH. I have been rejected from the job. The only was this can be is because his honor, the gatekeeper of well dressed Christian care givers has, with out my permission, contacted the Great Satan, thus exposing me as a liar. A rage ensues.

February 21^st: Thankfully I had another interview lined up for today, just in case something crazy happened like me not getting the NEBH job. I am thankfully I have the interview, but I am full of bitter resentment because I know that my resume is going to once again fuck me over.

Thankfully I am glad that my resume was shit because this was the weirdest interview, or I should say interviews, that I have ever had. As soon as I entered the office I was told to sit and wait. The receptionist didn’t know what I wanted and she did not appear to be doing anything, but sit and wait I did. After a few minutes I am told to approach the desk. I do so with caution. After stating my reason for being there I am told once again to sit and wait. About 20 minutes later a morbidly obese man comes out and takes me a conference room, he then tells me that this is the room where I will be meeting with “everyone”. This is all well and good, except for the fact that he takes me back to the reception area to wait for the first person I am going to meet. This should have been a sign of weirdness to come.

After a while, a morbidly obese woman comes out and tells me to come to the interview room, which by the way was not the room I was originally introduced to. Because we have climb all of three steps to get to the room she was no out of breath and need a full 3 minutes to rest before asking me questions. I wish she had passed out from all that physical activity because it would have given my time to escape.

After berating me for insulting the South End and then insinuation I lived in a gang war zone, she then began to tell me that there was no order to the office, no job description because everything was so unorganized, and that all most all of their clients did not speak English. In a nut shell, a dream job.

After she weebled out of the room it was time for round two. The most significant thing about this round that I was asked one question; “How would your best friend describe you…if, that is, you have a best friend.” I don’t remember what I said but I am sure that it was a bunch of crap.

The third and final round was by far the worst for what this last woman lacked in morbid obesity she made up for in sheer insanity and ignorance. The first problem was that she blinked too much, surely a sign of absolute insanity. Because I just didn’t care anymore I listened to about half of what she had to say. I wish I had listened to the whole thing because the half I heard was laugh out loud funny. First she compared he team to relay race runners, then to ice dancers, in a long and drawn out analogy that did not shed any light on what “her team” actually did. I am really hope that she was saying these things because the Olympics were on that week and not because that is really how she thinks of her managerial skills. Her final speech was the crowning jewel of this and every interview I have ever had. In trying to inspire me and make this place seem like just the place for me she tells me that she learns something new every week. In order to drive it home she tells me, with a anecdote, that she was not aware Chinese people had been coming to the US for the passed “100 years.” That’s right, she thought Chinese people had just started coming here “in the last 20 or 30 years.”

I think that’s enough for now. More to come tomorrow!